This is me

January 22, 2019

Hi friends. I’d like to think of you all as friends, even if you’re new here. As friends we have to trust each other. We should be honest with each other. That’s what I vow to do. I vow to be brutally honest with y’all. And that won’t always be easy for me. That means I will have to be vulnerable with y’all. Vulnerable with you, my sweet friends, in ways that maybe I was once afraid to be vulnerable with people I had known for years. But I am going to make a promise to be real and vulnerable with y’all if you choose to follow along. 

You see, in May 2018 I graduated college. Throughout college I struggled a lot with feeling like I actually belonged where I was. Feeling self-conscious and second-guessing all of my little choices and big decisions was, well, second-nature to me. And to be fair, it always has been. I’ve struggled with anxiety and insecurity for years. I remember feeling so alone, in a dorm FULL of people. I remember feeling like my friends were hanging out without me and thinking to myself “of course they’re hanging out without you, why would they want to hang out WITH you?”. I remember being self-conscious abut the number of people in my instagram posts because I didn’t want people to think I went off to college and didn’t make any friends. As I got older and had been in college for longer I still found myself second-guessing every friendship I had. I always had this little voice in my head telling me that these people didn’t actually want to be friends with me. In my insecurity I didn’t allow myself to be real and vulnerable in some of my friendships. I believed the lies I was telling myself that I was not enough, that I was not wanted. I was insecure and clung to the few relationships I felt sure of. I placed my identity and my sense of belonging in other people. Introducing myself as, “Oh I’m Sydney, ________’s friend” or “I’m Sydney, ________’s girlfriend.” But y’all, here’s the thing, no human can handle the pressure of you placing even a part of your identity in them! What I did not realize was that my identity belongs in Christ alone. He is the only one who can handle that pressure. Not only that, but he wants that! He wants you to see that your identity is rooted in Him and Him alone! Because what is really better or more secure than finding your identity as a son or daughter of the King of Kings? 

I had a lot of really positive changes my senior year of college. I caught a glimpse of what true joy could look like in my life. I learned how to feel secure in myself and my identity in Christ. Through this, I found an independence and a confidence that I never had known before. With all of this came a greater sense of trust and I gave God the biggest “Yes” I had given Him so far, when I decided to be a teacher in rural Mississippi.

If you are still reading then you are almost caught up, I promise I’m almost done. This is not my WHOLE life story. 

I went into the real world feeling secure in myself, my relationship with God and with my friends. I felt so sure that I was exactly where God wanted me to be. But y’all, adult life is hard. It really is. I got busy. And I let my priorities change. I found myself scrolling for hours on social media feeding myself the lies of what society tells us is good. I was lonely and constantly filling my life with noise between Netflix and Social Media, I would sit there and numb my mind to my loneliness for hours. I would tell myself lies about how much better all my friends’ lives were. How they were all having way more fun than I was. When people asked me about my job, I told them I loved it, which is true I LOVE my job. But I live in a town where there are few opportunities for people my age and I am lonely. I let social media become this toxic influence in my life. 

But I’m here now. I changed my priorities, I made more time for prayer and stopped lying to myself about how everyone’s instagram highlight reel is real life and that I am the only one who is experiencing loneliness. I’m here to share my stories with y’all. Yes there are other people out there doing their best to live their faith. Yes there are other people out there who are in their twenties and have no clue what they are doing. Yes there are other people out there who are 22 years old and not married, engaged or in a relationship (shocking I know). Yes there are other people out there who have to google "how to open a can without a can opener” because they never thought to buy one. Yes there are other people out there buying into the lies that this world tells them about who they are and who they should be! I am here to remind you to stop believing these lies. I am here to do life with y’all, if you want. This is me and this is real life. 

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